I Want It All. What Is “IT”?

A fancy house, a brand new car, a closet filled with boutique clothing, vacations to far away places.  What are “THE” things?  What is “IT”?

What gets us up each day to do jobs and pay bills, and then do it all over again?  How do we know when we have “arrived?”  When do we have enough?

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I think that looks different for everyone.  I think, too, that we can take on the ideas of someone else in our pursuit of happiness.  We can spin our wheels and run that race toward things that really don’t matter to us.

That was me.  I can often get confused with what the world says I need and what my soul says I need.

I quit my job this week.  Yes, I just typed that and said it out loud.  It is terrifying for me!

You see, I’ve been fighting the decision to stay home for years.  YEARS.

So, I finally gave in.  I’d like to say that I got some instructions of what I should do left on my desk at school and I had a clear plan when I went into my principal’s office.

But the truth is I’ve had a severe sinus infection this week, the worst I can remember, and I had been up the entire night before. I had done the netipot, zquil, decongestant, stuck cepacol in the top of my mouth.  I was totally overmedicated and I stayed in a hot bath/crawled to a hot shower for most of the night.

Then I drove to work in a daze and just blurted out that I wasn’t going to return because I couldn’t do it all.  Yep, that’s what I said.

Then I came home and reflected on that.  It’s been four days and I still feel terrible and I haven’t quite processed that this is really happening.

I will say that God has shown up in plenty of ways, through a lot of people, to give me confirmation.  I’m pretty sure that scriptures are being revealed to me that keep me pressing in the right direction, calming my heart.

So, how did I get to this point?  Truthfully, it has been on my heart for years.  Each year that I go back to a full time job and struggle to juggle it all throughout the year, I feel empty.  My heart’s desire is not fulfilled in that paycheck that I receive each month.

I realized when all of my kids were sitting around me on Mother’s Day that everything that I hold high was in this back yard.  They are my legacy.  I want to spend my time and energy there.

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How will I teach them about Christ if I get home with nothing left to say?  I’m all “said” out most days by 4:00.

How will I model the love of Christ if they rarely see me interact with others?  Or, worse yet, when they do see me interact, I’m tired and cranky.

How will I rise to greet a new day and talk of God’s love for us if I’m rushing out the door as they are waking up?

The facts are, for me, it just isn’t possible to do it all well or have “it” all right now.

So, I’m resting in the fact that I’ve made the right decision for our family.  I’m going to put into practice that faith that I talk about.

It’s a new day!

Matthew 6: 20-21 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  





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